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A Christmas Conundrum
This is the holiday season of the year. My family generally celebrates the season by having some type of party. Most of the family consists of Middle Aged Adults (my wife’s children) some who are Old, and one who is Very Old. There are two young boys (sixteen and twelve) who look forward to presents, which is understandable. What I didn’t really understand is that all of the Middle Aged and Old people (myself excluded) think that exchanging presents is a grand idea.
Now, before you think that I am really the reincarnation of Ebenezer Scrooge I want to tell you that I am not opposed to giving of presents; but I need some guidance. This year I received guidance which is absolutely incomprehensible. Thus the conundrum.
It all started off innocently. I received an email which was the beginning of the planning for our family party. Our choices were the following: (remember this email was sent primarily to Middle Aged Adults and Seniors)
1. Do nothing; just get gifts for the grandchildren. They are 16 and 12. They like receiving meaningful gifts, such as Kindles.)
2. Pick names like we have done in the past. Everyone buys a gift for one person who is selected by drawing names from a hat. This invariably throws me into an agony of trying to figure out what to do since I never pick me, by circumstance and by the rules.
3. Do a White Elephant swap where you bring a wrapped gift and give it to someone. You don’t know if the person is Middle Aged or Old, nor whether they are male or female.
4. Pick your own theme and buy everyone something little within that theme. Some ideas could be books, socks, chocolate, candles, picture frames, pens, gift cards, tea/coffee, etc. This way everyone has a number of little presents to open.
My opinion was not solicited (they know me for many years, but due to a mistake in the transmission of the email they requested my vote). Now you can test how well you understand me: what did I chose? Number One (1), of course. What was the actual outcome of vote? It was to exchange white elephants: Number Three (3).
OK, I am a reasonably good sport. Yesterday I told my beloved, understanding, and long suffering wife that I was going to buy the White Elephant present. She looked at me, furrowed her brow, pursed her lips, and then said, “Remember—the present is to be a MEANINGFUL White Elephant.” Then she turned on her heel and left. I was completely perplexed. What the hell is a Meaningful White Elephant? I decided to act on my own and throw caution to the winds. (This is just an expression. I actually began to worry about what I was going to do, since my wife has powers which are unknown to humanity as a whole. Discretion is the better part of valor….or something like that.
Now you understand my conundrum. What in the hell is a White Elephant gift? I don’t know where to find a white elephant, and if I did, what would I feed it, and, why would someone want to have it?
OK, you say. I can envision you sitting and reading column and shaking your head. Fair enough. Now let me put this with a little more precision. All the possible receivers of this unknown and unspecified White Elephant gift are ADULTS. Do you understand me? ADULTS! So I am requested to go buy a White Elephant and spend money (roughly $30) on some unknown and unspecified object from some unknown and unspecified place and give it to some unspecified ADULT who is either Male or Female.
Using my natural inclination toward analysis, I went to Google and looked for stores that offer WHITE ELEPHANTS. Here is the Wikipedia answer: A white elephant is an idiom for a valuable but burdensome possession of which its owner cannot dispose and whose cost (particularly cost of upkeep) is out of proportion to its usefulness or worth. The term derives from the story that the kings of Siam (now Thailand) were accustomed to make a present of one of these animals (White Elephants) to courtiers who had rendered themselves obnoxious, in order to ruin the recipient by the cost of its maintenance. In modern usage, it is an object, scheme, business venture, facility, etc., considered to be without use or value. The answer from Google was intellectually of interest, but hardly of operational value.
I sat for a while and thought. This is a serious issue. My conundrum gets worse: If I buy something truly idiotic (all possible presents for these ADULTS strike me as truly idiotic, but this is a story for another day), my beloved wife will have some clear and focused comments to make. Hmmm. So, I will try to buy something sensible. But what WHITE ELEPHANT gift is sensible, for ADULTS all in Middle or Old Age?
Now, if possible, things got worse. My family members are just THRILLED about exchanging unknown, non-gag gifts, for unspecified people (men or women) and can hardly wait for the event to occur.
The tension was overwhelming. I went to a store which was crowded with shoppers, but which had a variety of options, maybe. My choice was influenced because I had received a 20% discount label. I entered the store, and was approached by an employee who nicely asked what I wanted.
“The General Manager, please,” I politely answered.
“Can’t I help you,” asked the employee?”
“Are you the General Manager,” I responded.
“Well, no. (A pause). I will get her.”
I waited for a few moments, and up comes a rather striking looking, middle aged woman, who is the General Manager. It says so on her ID Tag.
“Can I help you?” she asked, nicely.
“I certainly hope so,” I said. “I am completely out of my league.”
She smiled.
I then explained to her what was going on. She smiled more broadly, and then began to laugh. She continued to giggle, nodded her head and told me to wait for her to come back in a few moments.
A few moments later she returned with half a dozen items that had been cut by roughly 80% of their original price.
The first one was a white sheepskin cover for an iPad. It was available for $2.99. But, I thought, not all the people I have to give a present to have iPads. In fact, only my wife has an iPad. I mused. What a nice surprise gift. (Taking care and looking for safety is always a good idea. Here was the ideal choice, and for $2.99 I look like a thoughtful, caring, thinking husband.)
The second one was a little stereo speaker device that plugs into your computer using the USB connection. That was actually nice, and $5. OK, it isn’t really a White Elephant, although with built in speakers in all current computers, it is sort of a White Elephant. I could argue that it was a Meaningful White Elephant.
Finally, she produced the ultimate: an M&M Fan. Not only was it $3; it had a small supply of M&Ms in the handle, and, was a small fan which actually worked to cool you off when you need moving air. The PERFECT White Elephant.
The General Manager thought these were wonderful; actually, she thought they were hilarious. Privately she admitted that the buyers of this stuff should have been fired, but she then shrugged her shoulders. Win some; lose some.
I asked her for some something to wrap this stuff in and she gave me three individual size boxes and wrapping paper.
I thanked her profusely and offered to write a very clear and focused email to her bosses, praising her to the skies, and helping her with her career. She thanked me and said that wasn’t necessary. She then added that I was one of the more unusual customers they had this season, and she hopes to see me again. I told her that I was a regular, if infrequent customer. In essence, they sell nothing that I need. She laughed and said to please come back.
I am ready for the great family event. I am certain that I have failed the test completely.
When the presents are exchanged, everyone will roll their eyes, sadly shake their heads, and talk about something else.
What is bizarre about this entire discussion is that while I attempted to write it in a jocular fashion, I do not find this entire affair even remotely amusing. In fact, if you wish me to be precise about it, I find that dealing with the adults in this group of people is mind-boggling.
Normally I would ask if there is something wrong with me. But I know the answer. Yes, Virginia, there is something wrong with me. It is not the rest of my family; they are sane, reasonably educated, intelligent people. By definition, they represent the norm of the population, out to at least two sigma points (98% of the US population). They think this event and White Elephant gift exchange is just a peachy idea.
I think that I have nothing more to say on this subject.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. Think kindly of me.
